Jon Stewart Rips Right-Wingers A New One

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    Right-Wingers Fuel Racism And Paranoia

Saturday, April 7, 2012

GTFO, Mr. Deluded.

NOTE: Updated with new information!

Thomas Lindaman writes:

A Response to Sandra Fluke

Transcript from Congressional Testimony of March 7, 2012

Thomas Lindaman: Thank you, Mr. Speaker. I would like to say a few words regarding the recent controversy surrounding Sandra Fluke and her previous testimony before a special committee of Congress.

"Uh... who let this idiot in here?"
"Which idiot?"
"The morbidly obese ugly guy with the bad teeth."
"He snuck in. That's Thomas Lindaman."
"He's a right-wing blogger. The Bottom Line."
"Oh. Never heard of it."
"It's okay. Nobody has."

First, what in the bluest of blue Hells was she talking about? Contraception at Georgetown costing $3000 for three years? I know Georgetown's tuition is a bit on the pricey side, but damn! Upon further research,


it turns out Ms. Fluke can get a generic version of a birth control pill that would help with cysts for $9 a month...without insurance. Granted, that's sold in a store no one's ever heard of called Target, so maybe she and her coed friends (none of them named, by the way) had to go with the name-brand stuff.

"Does Lindaman understand that there are other conditions that require the medication; like dysmenorrhea, endometriosis, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder?"
"Guess not."
"Does he realize that some 'generic' medications will not work properly with some people?"
"I guess he doesn't."
"Does he realize that many medications are not covered under the Target plan?"
"I suppose he doesn't."
"Is Lindaman a doctor?"
"Well, so much for him."

And while we're here, does anyone else find it funny the bulk of Ms. Fluke's testimony rested on anonymous sources? How do we know these women even exist? For all we know, they could be made up to suit her circumstances. I heard that from this one guy who knows this other guy who is friends with that guy who did that thing? You know, the guy who always wore pants? Yeah, him. Anyway, he says your sources were bogus.

"Is it a proven fact that there are contraception prices that are $90 a month?"
"Absolutely yes. Some even more than that, in fact."
"So does it even matter if her sources are named?"
"So why do right wingers want Ms. Fluke to name her friends?"
"So the right wingers can target those friends and can call them sluts, too."
"Well, god forbid she try to use discretion."
"Does Ms. Fluke have a history of lying?"
"Does Lindaman have a history of lying?"
"All the time."
"Again, why is he here?"
"It's his fantasy scenario, let's humor him."

Furthermore, the only source she did name was the Guttmacher Institute, which is the research arm of...drumroll please...Planned Parenthood. Wow! A pro-choice woman citing a pro-choice source in testimony about contraception! Why that's...utterly predictable. I would cite the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies and their research showing a woman needing $3000 for three years of college is a bit excessive, but the irony would be lost on Ms. Fluke and her cohorts.

"Does Lindaman comprehend that the Guttmacher Institute's data comes from the National Survey of Family Growth?"
"He doesn't mention that."
"Does the public have access to this data?"
"Has the data been disputed by any other source?"
"So why is Lindaman implying something sinister?"
"Because right wingers have issues with reality and science, as usual."
"And again, since it's a fact that some women have to pay more than $90 a month for birth control, what difference does it make whether the Guttmacher Institute is credible?"
"It doesn't. Lindaman's using a common right wing tactic of trying to cloud the issue."

Ms. Fluke seems like an intelligent young woman, and she doesn't deserve to have her credibility besmirched by talk show hosts calling her unflattering names. If you just got to know her and her history,

"Her 'history'? What's he talking about?"
"Nothing. As usual."

you'll find her credibility was besmirched when she agreed to testify before a Democrats-only panel

"All right, that does it. Listen, Lindaman, you ignorant fat Iowan hillbilly fuck. You imply some kind of setup here? Let's take a look at the right wing version. I'll show you what a setup is:"

"Sandra Fluke has credibility. How in the flying fuck all, are any of these MEN credible on the reproductive rights of women? Fucking PRIESTS? Really?"

designed to capitalize on the Left's "Republicans War Against Women" line of crap.

"Well, too bad it's a fact that Republicans have a history of hating women."
"We don't even have to go back in history to prove it. This is only recently:"

Forcing women to have a raping vaginal ultrasound probing before an abortion. And if the woman doesn't like it, she can just shut her eyes while the doctor narrates what he sees.

Urging that if a woman is abused by her husband, she should not get divorced, and instead remember the good times.

Forcing women to carry dead fetuses to term (like farm animals do).

Banning the purchase of birth control for purposes of birth control.

Resisting violence against women legislation.

Opposing contraception in any form.

Defining single-parenthood as child abuse.

Banning Medicaid in an entire state for any Planned Parenthood visits.

And of course, repeatedly calling women sluts and prostitutes for talking about the pill, since apparently they always use them for sex.

"All of this is from Conservatives."
"All of this is documented fact."
"All very recently."
"And all within a very short span of time."
"Dispute any of it."
"Republicans hate women."
"Deal with it."

When they're ready to denounce abortion since the law of averages says it kills more females than males, then they'll have room to talk about anyone else.

"Female WHAT?"
"He's talking about the fact that more females are born than males."
"He's talking about zygotes now?"
"What's that got to do with anything?!? We're talking about actual people here: the women that need contraception."
"Not to mention that many more women die in childbirth than have ever died from a safe, legal abortion. You supersitious right-wing fucktards want women to bleed to death from illegal back-alley abortions again."
"Well, of course Lindaman doesn't care about that. Who cares about the women who die or are maimed in the process? It's obviously the Democrats who hate women."

Ms. Fluke's testimony was a bigger joke than when Stephen Colbert testified before Congress and you guys took him seriously.

"Fuck off, cornpacker. You're just jealous because Conservatives absolutely suck at humor."
"What Colbert did was not only appropriate, but extraordinarily well executed. Not only did his celebrity draw viewers, but his humor made people listen to what he was saying."
"The fact that he is a master satirist means that a large number of those who listened intuitively understood the essential wrongness of the current system."
"Hundreds of thousands of people now have an opinion on a topic they never gave any real thought to before today. How is that bad for democracy?"
"It made Republicans look bad, that's why he hates it."
"Is Lindaman a Republican?"
"He's an 'Independent'."
"If anyone needs evidence of how effective Colbert was, all you need to do is listen to how quickly right-wingers attacked the 'mockery' of the process, without actually discussing the points he made."
"But Lindaman tries to turn this around on the left."
"The right wing has tried to be humorous like Colbert, but it comes across as derivative."
"Well, that's because real comedy always has a grain of uncomfortable truth in it. Right-wingers have to write comedy that tries to hide the truth..."
"...And that is why people like you fail, Lindaman."

At least we won't see another comedic performance in Congress again. Well, at least until Al Franken goes to work in the Senate.

"Awww... bitter because Franken shot down proven Republican liars so brilliantly?"

All joking aside, Ms. Fluke did have some legitimate points about women's health. But those were obscured by the points I've raised here today.

"The only one obscuring things is yourself. Nothing that you have brought up have anything to do with the subject at hand."

Do those points undermine the credibility of those points? Absolutely not. They are worthy of consideration, regardless of the credibility of the speaker.

"Again, Fluke has credibility. Unlike yourself."

After all, the insane occasionally speak the truth. Granted, I'm still waiting for that to happen with Keith Olbermann, but hope springs eternal!

"If Olbermann ever did anything close to what Rush just pulled, the same folks calling for Rush's head would be calling for his. But Olbermann hasn't. Nice try."
"Listen, Lindaman: Rush's mean-spirited and vicious weeklong tirade involved slurs on the sexual mores of no elected or unelected public official or even public figure, but against a private citizen. His fundamental point was that women who use hormonal birth control (which is eighty percent of all women at some point in their lives) are dirty sluts who have so lost their feminine virtue that they should put on sex shows for Rush's own enjoyment."
"Rush deals out misogyny on a constant basis, but this was a special example, even by Rush's standards. And it has become very clear that most Conservatives agree with him. If they'd kept the argument on the health insurance mandate, they'd have had a point, although a bad one. But Rush, and the Republican base, just couldn't resist the urge to shout 'women are filthy whores' at the top of their lungs. Why? Because that's what they actually believe, right down to their core. Got it?"

Thank you for allowing me time to testify before you this morning. I will defer all questions to my pamphlet titled "How Do You Keep Reporters and Congressmen In Suspense?"

"See what I mean about Conservatives not being funny?"
"Well, I do find it funny that female contraception is being discussed by a male virgin that's in his forties, like Lindaman."
"Could security please escort Lindaman out, and strongly encourage him not to eat the buffet?"

Too bad that you'll never get to actually testify before Congress, Lindaman. You have to make up fantasies. Just like you crashing Wisconsin rallies. lol